Values: differences between Portugal and the U.S.

Part Four

Oct 26, 2024

and breathe neon sign on tre — Photo by Max van den Oetelaar on Unsplash

A Quick Intro

Hi, I’m Kimberly Anne and thrilled to be writing these articles for you. If you don’t know my background: I relocated alone from San Francisco to Portugal in September 2022, sight unseen and without a built-in support system. Before that, I spent a year traveling solo across the U.S., living in a van. I’m also a published indie author with over 30 novels.

Before moving to Portugal I didn’t know what I know now about the culture here and yet… it’s my reason for staying.

Please note that these are my opinions and they are completely subjective. This is my experience and may not be everyone else’s experience. Also, a lot of my observations are based on comparisons with my own background and upbringing, which differs from others. So buckle in, this article gets quite personal…

Values—What I Learned Growing up in the U.S.

I am not going to say that the values of the United States are one specific way because that statement is far too broad. I can only speak about the values I was raised with and the values of my family’s friends and most of the people I grew up with. These values do not reflect everyone but they are the values I was exposed to during my formative years in Los Angeles, and they never felt true to me.

My family always placed money as the number one, most important item in life. Money and prestige were always more important than love, kindness or compassion. And it worked brilliantly for them, it still does.

But those values always felt wrong to me and I didn’t agree with them or share them. Oh, I tried, I pretended and *pretzeled until I no longer could.

Values in Europe

I didn’t realize that my core values, which are compassion, integrity and optimism were in such stark contrast with my upbringing and pretty much everyone I knew.

And it wasn’t until I moved to Europe that I finally found a commonality. Values in Europe (not all, but from what I’ve seen), and in much of the rest of the world, are focused on love, communication and family. Who knew? Not me.

When I first arrived in Lisbon in 2022 I was introduced to an American woman who had lived in Europe for about ten years. When I asked her if she would ever move back to the States, she responded, “never.” And when I asked why? She said, “I don’t share the same values. My values align with Europe.”

I had no idea what that meant but two years later, I do and I completely agree with her.

Emotions

This is another strange topic and also relates to my experience only. The way I grew up, everything was black and white, good and bad, all or nothing. Until I got sober in 2005, I didn’t know what shades of gray meant. And now, it’s one of my mantras.

My family has always been overly emotional and their emotions swing like a pendulum, changing with the wind, even in under ten seconds. I was this way too, when I was using. But I also never saw “even keeled” people until I met my therapist in 2002. It wasn’t modeled to me growing up. Instead, the people I knew were overly dramatic. Everything, down to a broken fingernail, was perceived as life or death. It still is, and I find this utterly exhausting.

The Europeans I have met, are not like this. They are calm to the point where the words “calma” and “tranquila” are said almost as often as “good day.” I love this so much. This is a “let’s take a coffee” culture. Or “time for a siesta” or “don’t let that worry or upset you.” And it’s not said as a dismissal, it’s said as a reminder to remain calm during a storm. A storm of impossible to navigate emotional upheaval that is, far too often, the USA.

Laid Back vs. The Overachiever Mindset

This flows directly into the culture of being laid back and taking things in stride as opposed to being obsessed with constantly doing more, yesterday.

America is the “do more yesterday” step-child of monsters. If you are not an overachiever, you’re not revered. Others may even believe there is something wrong with you or you may be thought of as lazy or even told you have no drive. Why does how much you do, or what job/profession you have or how much money is in your bank account determine your worth?

I’ve always despised this aspect of America, even while I fell prey to it myself. I had to go, go, go—do, do, do—drive, drive, drive—earn, earn, earn—get a bunch of useless degrees and puff myself up (drive the XYZ expensive car or buy the XYZ designer bag) to feel worthy. And… what was all of that for? So other people would ooh and ahh or be jealous? This is how I view the values of the U.S. Bigger, better, more, more, more!

Money, Money, Money and More Money

Whenever I would date anyone new my father’s questions were always the same.

What do they do for a living?
How much money do they make?
Do they own their own home?
What kind of car do they drive?

I was never once asked:

Are they a good person?
How do they treat you?
Do you love them?
Do they love you?

Because none of those values were ever important (to him or most other people I knew). Dear old dad even told me once that love didn’t matter at all because, and the exact words spoken were, “money can buy you love.”

Sometimes I wonder if I hadn’t had this blatant consumerism and disregard for humanity modeled to me by my family and peers, if I would have stayed in America.

These were all the same things that were always important to most of the people I grew up with too. And not only that, it was the same when I was dating, in reverse. My last partner in America told me, “the only box on my list that you don’t check is that you don’t own your own home and I really wish you did.”

Another partner told me, “I would never consider marrying you or even being with you long term because you don’t make enough money.”

I don’t think my experiences are an exception to the rule. I think this is normal in America, or at least in California. And when I think about all those years I spent there, buying into that superficial bullshit, I want to vomit.

My experience in Europe has been the opposite. No one here has asked me if I own a home, what brand car I drive, or how much money I earn per year. Not. One. Single. Person.

And the person I’m currently dating has never told me these things about themselves. And I didn’t ask because that superficial crap is not what’s important to me! What’s important to me, and other people I’ve met here is how people treat you and the world around them. Are they kind? Do they help you when you’re sick? Do they have integrity and compassion for others? For animals? For the environment?

Patience

The Portuguese (unless they’re behind the wheel of a car) are very patient people. I can’t speak for the rest of Europe. But people here will wait in long lines without a complaint.

And now it’s time for a fun story: I was in Coimbra recently (as a sightseeing tourist) and ran into a pharmacy to get some sunscreen. I finally decided on which one to buy when this American woman rushed in and demanded to be helped first. She didn’t ask.

She said, “I’m in a hurry, I have an entire cruise ship waiting for me and I need to be helped right this second.”

The sales lady (who I will refer to as Joana) was literally at the register, ringing me up. We were in the midst of a lovely conversation about Portugal and the language. She, like so many, didn’t understand why I would leave California.

Joana grimaced as the American Woman demanded immediate service and I said, “it’s okay, you can help her first.”

The American Woman was in her seventies but I need a better name besides: The American Woman and will refer to her for the rest of the story as America or Miss America. Miss America did not thank me. She proceeded to tap her foot and exclaim loudly that she was in an extreme hurry.

Joana apologized to me again and I said, “it’s fine, before moving to Portugal I had no patience but now I actually don’t mind waiting, I’m not in a hurry.”

Miss America told us again how important she was and asked the sales lady to please hurry. When Joana left to get change, America made that annoyed sound in the back of her throat that we’re all so familiar with and rolled her eyes.

Joana returned with her change. In Europe we use euros. €1 and €2 euros come in coins and Joana put the coins into the woman’s outstretched hand but the woman started yelling. “This is not the right amount of change, I gave you a twenty!”

Joana was beyond flustered at this point, poor thing. She ran back to the register, ran to her boss, looked at me… Miss America was really pissed now. More throat frogs, more eye rolls, and a lot of muttering about “backwards assed Portugal” under her breath.

“I’m sorry but it is the correct amount of change,” Joana finally said.

America yelled again, “it’s not, I gave you a twenty, a T-W-E-N-T-Y.” And she held open her hand. Joana scurried over and counted the change for her.

At this point I wanted America to leave for Joana’s sake. For all our sake so I jumped in.

“She gave you the correct change,” I said. “You have over ten euros in your hand, in coins.”

Miss America snuffed and huffed and puffed, narrowed her eyes and stormed out without saying thank you.

I turned to Joana, smiled and said, “now you know why I left America.”

Thirty minutes later as I walked around the crowded streets in Coimbra’s old town I saw Miss America walking around too. Surprise, surprise, the entire ship had not been waiting for her after all.

I’m so happy this happened because it showed me that I’ve changed and it reminded me how much I freaking love my “calma lifestyle”. I have no interest in falling back into my old American habits. That said, I will be going back for a visit in a couple of weeks and the last time I was there I’m sad to say, I did fall right back my old ways. Maybe this time will be different?

*To pretzel oneself = an informal expression meaning to contort or twist oneself, either physically or metaphorically, often to fit into a difficult situation or accommodate others. It suggests making significant efforts or compromises.

LINKS FOR THE MOVE ABROAD SERIES, if you’re interested in moving abroad:

Part 1—Want to move abroad? Start here!
Part 2—Conquer your fears about moving abroad!
Part 3—12 Minimizing Mistakes Part 1
Part 4—12 Minimizing Mistakes Part 2
Part 5—A Personal Case study (re: Minimizing)
Part 6—Your Move Abroad: The Ultimate Checklist