Goodbye USA, I'm Not Coming Back: Community

#5 in the "Why I Left the US and Will Never Return" Series

Photo by John Cameron on Unsplash

Why did I leave the US in 2022?

Reason #1 was the high cost of living!

Reason #2 was the lack of healthcare!

Reason #3 was safety!

Reason #4 was hate and division!

Reason #5 was the lack of community (this article).

Intro

Hi Everyone! New and old readers, first of all I want to say that I appreciate you all so much! Thank you for being here, and being part of this amazing and vibrant Substack Community! Thank you for the engagement, kind comments, likes and donations. I have been posting on Substack for almost two years, and while it’s taken a while to build up my presence on this platform, I can truly say that you are my people! If you don’t know who I am, please click here to learn more.

Community

I’ve written about this before, but it’s been another year and there’s always more to say and add.

First I want to acknowledge people’s fear about this topic. It’s scary. The idea of leaving your current community (and comfort zone) for a trip into the unknown isn’t easy. So I truly hope that my experiences and optimism can help you navigate this part of your adventure in a more seamless way.

My Background

I lived in California for my entire life before moving to Europe. Yup, you read that correctly! Until I was 56 years old, I only ever lived in one state in the US. Yes I moved around that state quite a bit, yes I traveled a lot and yes, I did live in a van for a year, mostly outside of California and all of that counts. But until I took the leap to Europe in 2022 I mainly saw the same group of people, shopped in the same stores, worked out at the same circus school, ate at the same restaurants and did the same things over and over again, rinse and repeat ad nauseam. And it was a pretty good life. I changed careers (five times), changed work environments, got married and divorced… the usual.

I was a long-hauler when it came to renting too. I lived in one apartment in San Francisco for fifteen years. I lived in my last apartment in Fairfax (Marin County) for eleven years. In between, I moved around every three to seven years but compared to my friend Susan, who moved six times in four years, I was pretty stable.

Before

I’ve been hearing from a lot of people recently that they’re not ready to move and that’s okay. When you’re ready, you’ll do it. It sounds simple, and of course it’s not simple at all.

I wanted to move out of the US for at least ten years before I did it, maybe even longer. I daydreamed, I researched, I planned. All of that helps move you toward your goal! And if it wasn’t for covid and a painful breakup, I may still be in the US but I’m so thankful (especially with the current political agenda) that I’m not! And as always, I want to remind you: I have zero regrets about leaving.

My Past Community

I don’t want to rehash a lot of this because I wrote this article about it already. But in a nutshell, I thought I had a very strong community in the US and it turned out, that just wasn’t the case.

I always felt like something was off. I never truly felt a “part-of”.

I’m not a huge “group” person, I’m more of a one-on-one person—which needs to be said. The only time I ever felt a part of a group was during acupuncture school in San Francisco. It was a loving and fun cluster of fellow students. We often went to lunch and dinner together and hung out on our off hours. But after we graduated, we went our separate ways. I’m only in touch with one person from that master’s program.

And so… it turned out that I did not actually have a community in the US. This is coming from a solo person’s experience. I was in several long term relationships after my divorce in 2002 but I never joined their friends or communities. In my twenty year marriage, yes, we had all the same friends and when I chose to leave, I lost all but two of them—I lost dozens and dozens of “friends” plus my ex’s entire family who was my surrogate family for twenty years. Not a single one of them ever spoke to me again, even though I tried reaching out to them.

So I’ve had to start over with community (and family) on more than one, two or even three occasions. And what I thought was my community in the US before I left California, turned out instead to be fair-weather friends. Now, in fairness to them, they’re embroiled in their own lives. They’re not bad people, quite the opposite, they’re all amazing people but “out of sight, out of mind” is a real thing. It’s just what happens.

But for the first two years, I was really hurt that no one reached out. In time however, I realized it wasn’t about me, and I know that if I were to reach out or see them in person, most of those people would be happy to talk to me.

I did retain my two closest friends and several other amazing people as well. My two closest friends and I speak daily because distance couldn’t tear us apart.

A New Community Was Founded

But what happened is that I made new friends! And I am closer to these new friends than I ever thought it was possible to be. Remember when I mentioned that I always felt a disconnect in California? Well, that’s because my found-family isn’t there! It’s elsewhere!

But I know myself well enough to know that no matter where I go, I can find community. Some places may be slightly more difficult but overall I’m a gregarious person and I love meeting new people. Whenever I travel I end up with at least one life-long friend. This is one of the many advantages of traveling solo.

How Can You Find a Community Abroad Too?

I have spoken about all the ways to meet people but I’ll list them again here with some new ones I’ve discovered.

1. Expat and/or Digital Nomad Groups. You can find these on Facebook or MeetUp.com, Internations, and Reddit.

   1. How? Search for the city you’re moving to + the word “expat” or “digital nomad.” Search for something you’re interested in + the city you’re moving to. Examples: pickleball, vegan(ism), hiking, paddle boarding, etc.

   2. Look for in-person meet-ups and go to them. There are in-person expat meet-ups all over the world!

   3. Ask the people you meet if there are any WhatsApp groups you can join. It took me until year 3 before I even knew these existed.

2. Do something you love locally like going to yoga classes or studying martial arts, etc.

   1. I randomly went to a martial arts class and met an amazing Portuguese woman and we became friends.

   2. This may not happen right away so be patient and try different things. Different yoga classes for example if one doesn’t resonate with you.

      One of the reasons I specifically chose to move to Porto is because there is a circus school here and I was a trapeze artist. I went to a few classes in Porto but it was far too cliquey for me and the students were super competitive and judgmental instead of being welcoming. —I know that I had a harder time than someone else may have because I went to a professional circus school in San Francisco for over ten years (I was a novice) where people from Cirque de Soleil and other high end circus troupes trained. At the SF school no one was ever cliquey or rude or full of themselves. They were kind and welcoming to newcomers and completely humble. It was a high bar, but I thought it was the norm. Sadly, this just wasn’t the case in Portugal and I had to give up this fun way to work out.

3. Go on tours. I know this sounds strange but I’ve met life-long friends this way too! It will be more challenging on touristy tours because, well…. they’re tourists who are just visiting for a short time. But I found a tour group here in Porto on meetup.com that caters to locals!

4. Walk your dog or just go out walking and engage with other people’s dogs! I have met so many people walking my dog and I’ve become friends with them! Sometimes I go out for a quick dog walk and return home an hour or two later because I run into people I know and we end up talking or they invite me for a coffee or we go to the dog park together. It’s magical!

5. Join a local language class! Depending on where you are, these may be free (paid for by the government, thank you!) as is the case here.

How and Where I Met my Closest Friends Here

I met my first friend here through an online language course. It had a chat board and she mentioned she was moving to Porto and looking for other people who were too. That was almost three years ago and we are still very good friends. I met an amazing group of friends through the local vegan group which I also found on Facebook. And a cool thing about vegan groups outside of the US is that you don’t have to be vegan to join! I am, but it’s not a requirement and there’s no judgment if you’re not. I met three very good friends this way, and one of them isn’t vegan 🤣

I randomly went to a party and while the party wasn’t for me, I met my, now closest friend there. I went to a marshal arts class and met a friend there. I went to several Girls Gone International FB meet-ups and met friends there. I went to one Expats Everywhere meet up and met a friend there! I’ve become friends with several of my neighbors and we regularly hang out. I made two dog walking friends who I now see socially. I made friends at my local in-person language class. I went to a digital nomad festival and met a very good friend there. And the list goes on…

The friends I’ve made here aren’t all American (thankfully). They’re not all expats either—though some are. I have Brazilian, Ukrainian, and Portuguese friends too, but the one thing they all have in common is that they make an effort. They invite me places, respond to my invites, and message me regularly. They act the way I always thought a loving community should, but I never had one before, so I had nothing to compare it to.

Conclusion

Finding a community abroad in a completely new place can feel overwhelming at first, but it’s one of the most rewarding parts of starting a new chapter in life. The truth is, building connections takes time, effort, and a willingness to step outside your comfort zone, but the relationships you form will make your new home feel like home.

What I’ve learned is that community isn’t always where you expect it to be—it’s out there, waiting for you to find it. Whether it’s through shared hobbies, expat meet-ups, language classes, or even random encounters, the key is to stay open and persistent. You won’t connect with everyone, and that’s okay. But when you do find your people, it will all be worth it.

So, if you’re heading to a new country, don’t give up. Be patient with yourself, try new things, and trust that the right connections will come in time. The community you create abroad might not look like the one you left behind—but it might just turn out to be even better.

Thank you for reading and for being part of my adventure. I hope this inspires you to find your own community wherever you go. You’ve got this!

Resources for Finding Community Abroad

1. Online Groups and Platforms

   • Facebook

   • Meetup.com

   • Internations

   • Reddit

2. Search Tips

   • Search for the city you’re moving to + "expat" or "digital nomad."

   • Search for specific interests + the city you’re moving to (e.g., pickleball, veganism, hiking, paddle-boarding).

3. WhatsApp Groups

   • Ask people you meet locally if there are any WhatsApp groups you can join.

4. In-Person Activities

   • Yoga classes

   • Martial arts classes

   • Local language classes (sometimes government-funded, depending on the country)

   • Circus schools or other niche hobbies like ceramics, etc.

5. Meetup Ideas

   • Girls Gone International Facebook meet-ups

   • Expats Everywhere meet-ups

   • Digital nomad festivals/events

6. Social Activities

   • Dog walking (or engaging with other people’s dogs)

   • Local vegan groups (found on Facebook)

   • Tours (particularly ones catering to locals, not just tourists)

Thank you so much for reading! If you don’t want to become a paid subscriber (my articles will always be free) but enjoyed this article, please consider a one time donation below.

I’m open for consultations/coaching. Schedule a video call with me to see if I can help with your move abroad!

• Consulting Information: what I can help you with.

• Work with me! I offer á la carte consults and crazy affordable packages!

• My Class: Walks you through ways to move abroad on a budget!

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If you’re interested in my “Why I Left the US and Won’t Ever Return” Series, please check out..

1. Cost of living: Article here

2. Healthcare (or lack thereof) here.

3. Safety—article here.

4. Polarization—too much hate and anger

5. Community: this one! :)

6. Values

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—If you want to learn another language before you embark (or after) on your new adventure, I highly recommend the platform Preply! It’s what I use to learn Portuguese and it’s also the platform I teach on. Please use my referral code for $17 off your first lesson!

—I use Wise to transfer money internationally between bank accounts and they also offer a free ATM card that can be used worldwide without fees. Please use my referral code for a free transfer of up to $600.

—I’ve started using Kindred Home Exchange in order to secure affordable accommodations! If you’re interested and want to sign up, you will get five nights with my referral code!

—I use Safety Wing for my travel medical insurance abroad. You can check them out here.

—For travel hacking I use my Chase Sapphire Preferred credit card. I earn enough points by using the card regularly (with no foreign transaction fees) to get a “free” RT ticket from Europe to the US at least once a year.

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If you’re interested in moving abroad, check out my free Expat on a Budget pub or podcast on Substack

The How to Live Abroad Publication is here.

• Part 1—Want to move abroad? Start here!

• Part 2—Conquer your fears about moving abroad!

• Part 3—12 Minimizing Mistakes Part 1

• Part 4—12 Minimizing Mistakes Part 2

• Part 5—A Personal Case study (re: Minimizing)

• Part 6—Your Move Abroad: The Ultimate Checklist

If you’re on a budget (as am I) please like by clicking on the heart below and share this article with a friend. 

Your support (in all ways) is greatly appreciated! 

—Expat on a Budget AKA Living Abroad on a Budget and My Unknown Adventure by Kimberly Anne

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