Finding Community Abroad
It's Easier Than You May Think with a Case Study
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We are social creatures and we need a community to thrive.
Do you have a community where you live? If so, are you happy with them? Is your community keeping you from moving and trying to set up roots elsewhere? There’s nothing wrong with that but it’s good to take stock.
I never knew what the concept of having a community actually meant until I moved to Portugal.
In 2005 I moved from San Francisco, California, over the Golden Gate Bridge to Marin County for a job. I landed in the houseboat community of Sausalito but it still took several years before I found a small group of people who got together regularly.
We were mismatched with different careers, ages and interests but we still met daily for coffee. Brad was the organizer and he was awesome. I always knew if I wanted to be included in a group of people, I just had to show up to the same coffee shop at the same time every day.
But these weren’t people who called or texted me. They never checked in to see how I was doing. Our banter was always superficial. We didn’t do much outside the daily coffee meetings. And after I moved from Sausalito, none of the dozen or so people ever spoke to me again.
I moved to a different small town in Marin because I had three close friends there and I was always driving forty-five minutes to see them. I lived in that town for eleven years and not one of those three friends (all of whom lived less than a mile from my apartment) ever came to visit me. It’s not a surprise that we are no longer friends.
And sadly, I can count on one hand, the number of friends who did make an effort to visit me in the decade I lived there.
But I didn’t know any differently—until I moved to Portugal.
I didn’t start off immediately with a built-in community here and over the year that I’ve lived here, it’s morphed. At first I hung out mostly with expats, and now I hang out mostly with Portuguese people.
But the one thing that’s different, whether the people are expats or Portuguese is that here, they make an effort. People come to my apartment all the time. People invite me out constantly. This past weekend I was invited to three different events in one day. The same with the weekend before. And during the summer months especially, there’s always something fun happening in Portugal.
People go out of their way for others here. And from what I’ve come to understand, this is the European culture, not just the Portuguese.
I moved here without having a community where I lived in the US and without previously having one here in Portugal. I didn’t know if I would find one here, but I have and it’s better than I could have ever imagined. My days are filled with friends, laughter and a lot of walking!
I’m going to challenge you with these questions:
1. Did you choose your current community or did they choose you?
2. Are they healthy —ie: do they have your best interests at heart? Are they kind and loving in their words and actions?
3. Are you afraid to make a big change because of what other people in your community may say or think? —ie: are they supportive?
Maybe the answers to these questions will help you determine if it’s time for you to move on, meet and connect with people who are healthier for you in some way. This could be in a new part of the world or in a corner of your current one.
If you do move away, you can always return. Chances are, the other people in your life, will still be there.
I’ve always been driven by the not knowing.
How will I know if I want to live in Europe if I never try? How will I know if I can make friends across the globe if I sit on my couch and watch TV? How will I know if I will (or won’t) meet a best friend if I don’t go on that tour by myself?
Now, what about you?
Resources
Meetup.com - in your area for tours, hiking groups, cooking groups, language groups, cycling groups, etc. (Plug in your hobbies and interests).
Airbnb Experiences: I only use these when traveling.
Internations (a meet up group specifically for expats): I’ve never been to one of their meet-ups but I’ve heard great things.
Tours:
(meetup, sandeman, freetoursbyfoot, guruwalk) - I’ve personally only used meetup and sandeman.
Facebook Groups:
Girl Gone International (different cities and regions).
Search for “Expat” + whatever country or city you’re in.
Search for your city + your interests: for example I belong to a vegan group in my area and have made a lot of wonderful friends that way!
Search for digital nomad + the city you’re in!
Youtube/Instagram Expat Groups:
For example the couple who started “Expats Everywhere” has a meetup here once a month.
Classes:
language classes, sports classes, your local climbing gym, surfing, ceramics, etc. — search for some of these on google maps.
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I am so glad you have found friends who reciprocate in Portugal! Having lived and worked in Germany for several years, I can report that things are not as easy in terms of making friends and socializing. Northern Europeans in general are more reserved and Germans are selective about friendship, which implies a deep and lasting bond. I have made German friends and maintained them long distance over decades, but it was not a quick process. It’s important to find a place and culture that matches your personality!
Another brilliant post. It is so heartening to hear you have built a caring community in Portugal. I wonder if being thrown out of our comfort zones is the trick to this…or indeed if the people are just friendlier in your new locale! Thank you for sharing.