Expat for Life: Why I’ll Never Return to the States: Values

#6 in the "Why I Left the US and Will Never Return" Series

Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash

Why did I leave the US in 2022?

Reason #1 was the high cost of living

Reason #2 was the lack of healthcare

Reason #3 was safety

Reason #4 was hate and division

Reason #5 was the lack of community

Reason #6 is values (this article)

Intro

This is the final article in my series, 'Why I Left the US and Will Never Return.' While I’ve touched on many reasons, today’s focus is on values—the cultural and personal differences that ultimately helped me find peace abroad. Spoiler: it’s about slowing down, savoring life, and shifting away from a mindset that prioritizes wealth over well-being.

If you want to know a little bit more about who I am, click here.

But first a disclaimer! I wrote an article about values in October of 2024 and… while I tried to write a new one from scratch, it wasn’t as good. Therefore I have rewritten my October article (except the Miss America and Money, Money, Money sections) and added plenty of new content, so please peruse the original article in all its glory at this link here if you’re so inclined.

Time Poor

According to a poll in Cassie Holmes’ book Happier Hour “Americans say they almost never feel they have time on their hands, and two-thirds say they always or sometimes feel rushed.”

I absolutely felt this way living in the US, every day. But when I moved abroad, I shed the time poor lifestyle. Now that I’ve been living abroad for a few years, I have to be mindful of it, especially as of late when I ended up working too many hours. But I have just one week left of that unsustainable schedule.

But what I do here in Portugal is take time to see friends, block out moments for yoga and weight lifting. During work breaks I read. At night I cook. In the mornings I allow myself to daydream.

I spoke to other Portuguese friends and they don’t feel as rushed as people in America do. They were shocked to hear that working through lunch there is the norm, that staying late and arriving early is expected, that bringing our work home with us on the weekends is encouraged.

Values—What I Learned Growing up in the U.S.

I am not going to say that the values of the United States are one specific way because that statement is far too broad. I can only speak about the values I was raised with and the values of my family’s friends and most of the people I grew up with. These values do not reflect everyone but they are the values I was exposed to during my formative years in Los Angeles, and they never felt true to me.

My family always placed money as the number one, most important item in life. Money and prestige were always more important than love, kindness, or compassion. And it worked brilliantly for them, it still does.

But those values always felt wrong to me and I didn’t agree with them or share them. Oh, I tried, I pretended, and *pretzeled until I no longer could.

Values in Europe

Values in Europe (at least from my experience) revolve around love, connection, and family. For instance, long family lunches on Sundays are a cherished tradition. Shops close for hours in the middle of the day so workers can enjoy meals and downtime. Even at casual gatherings, people focus on being present—talking, laughing, and connecting. It’s a stark contrast to the rushed, individualistic culture I grew up with, where work came first and relationships often felt secondary.

Emotions

Growing up, I was surrounded by emotional extremes—everything was black and white, good or bad, life or death. Drama and chaos were the norm, and calmness was something I rarely saw.

Moving to Portugal introduced me to a culture of emotional balance. Words like calma (calm) and tranquila (peaceful) are part of daily life, and people genuinely live by them. Whether it’s taking a coffee or simply remaining composed during challenges, I’ve learned to embrace this calmer way of life.

Laid Back vs. The Overachiever Mindset

This flows directly into the culture of being laid back and taking things in stride as opposed to being obsessed with constantly doing more, yesterday.

America is the “do more yesterday” step-child of monsters. If you are not an overachiever, you’re not revered. Others may even believe there is something wrong with you or you may be thought of as lazy or even told you have no drive. Why does how much you do, or what job/profession you have, or how much money is in your bank account determine your worth?

I’ve always despised this aspect of America, even while I fell prey to it myself. I had to go, go, go—do, do, do—drive, drive, drive—earn, earn, earn—get a bunch of useless degrees and puff myself up (drive the XYZ expensive car or buy the XYZ designer bag) to feel worthy. And… what was all of that for? So other people would ooh and ahh, or be jealous? This is how I view the values of the U.S. Bigger, better, more, more, more!

Money, Money, Money and More Money

Whenever I would date anyone new, my father’s questions were always the same.

1. What do they do for a living?

2. How much money do they make?

3. Do they own their own home?

4. What kind of car do they drive?

I was never once asked:

1. Are they a good person?

2. How do they treat you?

3. Do you love them?

4. Do they love you?

Because none of those values were ever important (to him or most other people I knew). Dear old dad even told me once that love didn’t matter at all because, the exact words spoken were, “money can buy you love.”

These were all the same things that were always important to most of the people I grew up with too. And not only that, the same questions applied when I was dating, but in reverse. My last partner in America told me, “the only box on my list that you don’t check is that you don’t own your own home and I really wish you did.” —Spoiler: their new partner does, yay for them!

Another partner told me, “I would never consider marrying you or even being with you long term because you don’t make enough money.” —Spoiler: they’re in their mid-50’s and still single.

I don’t think my experiences are an exception to the rule. I think this is normal in America, or at least in California. And when I think about all those years I spent there, buying into that superficial bullshit, I want to vomit.

My experience in Europe has been the opposite. No one here has asked me if I own a home, what brand car I drive (a Smart forfour if you’re wondering), or how much money I earn per year. Not. One. Single. Person.

And the person I’m currently dating has never told me these things about themselves. And I didn’t ask because that superficial crap is not what’s important to me! What’s important to me, and other people I’ve met here is how people treat you and the world around them. Are they kind? Do they help you when you’re sick? Do they have integrity and compassion for others? For animals? For the environment?

Patience AKA Miss America

The Portuguese (unless they’re behind the wheel of a car) are very patient people. I can’t speak for the rest of Europe. But people here will wait in long lines without a complaint.

And now it’s time for a fun story: I was in Coimbra recently (as a sightseeing tourist) and ran into a pharmacy to get some sunscreen. I finally decided on which one to buy when this American woman rushed in and demanded to be helped first. She didn’t ask.

She said, “I’m in a hurry, I have an entire cruise ship waiting for me and I need to be helped right this second.”

The sales lady (who I will refer to as Joana) was literally at the register, ringing me up. We were in the midst of a lovely conversation about Portugal and the language. She, like so many, didn’t understand why I would leave California.

Joana grimaced as the American Woman demanded immediate service and I said, “it’s okay, you can help her first.”

The American Woman was in her seventies, but I need a better name besides: The American Woman and will refer to her for the rest of the story as America or Miss America. Miss America did not thank me. She proceeded to tap her foot and exclaim loudly that she was in an extreme hurry.

Joana apologized to me again and I said, “it’s fine, before moving to Portugal I had no patience but now I actually don’t mind waiting, I’m not in a hurry.”

Miss America told us again how important she was and asked the sales lady to please hurry. When Joana left to get change, America made that annoyed sound in the back of her throat that we’re all so familiar with and rolled her eyes.

Joana returned with her change. In Europe, we use euros. €1 and €2 euros come in coins and Joana put the coins into the woman’s outstretched hand but the woman started yelling. “This is not the right amount of change, I gave you a twenty!”

Joana was beyond flustered at this point, poor thing. She ran back to the register, ran to her boss, looked at me… Miss America was really pissed now. More throat frogs, more eye rolls, and a lot of muttering about “backwards assed Portugal” under her breath.

“I’m sorry but it is the correct amount of change,” Joana finally said.

America yelled again, “it’s not, I gave you a twenty, a T-W-E-N-T-Y.” And she held open her hand. Joana scurried over and counted the change for her.

At this point, I wanted America to leave for Joana’s sake. For all our sake, so I jumped in.

“She gave you the correct change,” I said. “You have over ten euros in your hand, in coins.”

Miss America snuffed and huffed and puffed, narrowed her eyes and stormed out without saying thank you.

I turned to Joana, smiled and said, “now you know why I left America.”

Thirty minutes later as I walked around the crowded streets in Coimbra’s old town I saw Miss America walking around too. Surprise, surprise, the entire ship had not been waiting for her after all.

I’m so happy this happened because it showed me that I’ve changed, and it reminded me how much I freaking love my “calma lifestyle.” I have no interest in falling back into my old American habits. That said, I will be going back for a visit in a couple of weeks and the last time I was there I’m sad to say, I did fall right back my old ways. Maybe this time will be different?

*To pretzel oneself = an informal expression meaning to contort or twist oneself, either physically or metaphorically, often to fit into a difficult situation or accommodate others. It suggests making significant efforts or compromises.

Hate and Anger

In the U.S., I often felt surrounded by anger, division, and hostility. Whether it was political arguments, road rage, or even the way people interacted online, there seemed to be an underlying tension. In Portugal, I’ve found a greater sense of harmony. People are more patient, less judgmental, and generally more relaxed—even when things don’t go their way. It’s a stark contrast that has been transformative for my mental health.

I have an article specifically about hate and division in the US, if interested, you can find it at this link here.

But I have to say… I do get a fair amount of hateful, rude and quite frankly, ignorant responses from people here on Substack in response to my posts now. 100% of them come from Americans. 95% are from white men and the remaining 5% are from white women. I think that says it all.

Desfrutar

Desfrutar is a Portuguese word but it’s also a concept. It means to take time and savor life by appreciating the present moment. Instead of rushing around trying to check-off your to-do list, the Portuguese prioritize fun, enjoyment, and balance over the relentless pursuit of go, go, go or consumerism. And this lifestyle concept is seen as a necessity, not an indulgence.

The concept, belief or way of living life (Desfrutar) is not unique to Portugal. In Denmark they use the word hygge to encourage the culture to foster a sense of well-being and comfort.

In Italy it’s La Dolce Vita (the sweet life) which promotes the idea that people should prioritize their quality of life over work.

Japan uses the word wabi-sabi to focus on finding the beauty in imperfection, impermanence and simplicity.

Ubuntu in South Africa emphasizes community, compassion and interconnectedness and is often translated as: I am because we are.

And most have heard of Costa Rica’s Pura Vida (pure life) which stands for simplicity, happiness and living in harmony with nature.

Wow, seeing the way cultures celebrate slowing down, loving life, focusing on what’s important rather than American ideals of… chasing the almighty dollar, driving the fancy $100k+ car, buying the 3M dollar house, wearing designer clothing and having a high paying job or a yacht or a private jet leaves me speechless. And thus brings me to the conclusion of this article.

Conclusion

All the things that I love about Portugal (and most of Europe) can be encapsulated here…

There’s a café culture where we are encouraged to “take a coffee” which means so much more here than sitting down for a cuppa or slamming back a quick espresso. It’s about taking a moment or three to connect with friends over a warm beverage and laugh.

I’ve never experienced so many festivals and celebrations anywhere else but in Portugal. This week was carnival and the kids are out of school. There are parades and celebrations in all the cities and towns throughout the country. These numerous celebrations foster a sense of belonging and identity. They are often celebrated with family and friends, cooking or meals, dancing and singing.

Portugal, Spain, and Italy (to name a few), offer a slower pace of life via work-life balance and priorities. This was extremely foreign to me but it’s something I’m learning to adopt, albeit slowly. Work stops at 6pm or 7pm, depending on where you work and it’s not brought home with you. You get to leave work at the door and switch completely off. Shops and most restaurants close for two to three hours during the day so workers can have their lunches and some down time. Many people don’t work on the weekends. This leads to a healthy society with good work boundaries.

And then, there’s my favorite value, putting relationships over wealth. I often think of that saying, “when you’re lying on your deathbed will your regret be that you didn’t work more?” I think of many people I’ve known that died uber-rich and miserable. They couldn’t take their money with them and they lived solely for wealth. One family I know was torn apart by it. One daughter committed suicide. The husband and wife hated one another and never spoke. The other daughter became an alcoholic. I’m not saying this happens to everyone but I’ve seen it, first-hand, more times than not and that’s saying something.

People don’t do that here or in much of the rest of the world.

Embracing these values—compassion, connection, and simplicity—has been life-changing. I’ve learned to pause, to appreciate the present, and to prioritize relationships over material success. It’s not just about leaving the U.S.; it’s about finding a life that feels more human, more connected, and infinitely more fulfilling. While the U.S. taught me how to achieve, Portugal taught me how to live. And that’s why I left—and why I’ll never return.

Gregory Garretson

wrote a wonderful article on this subject after I published mine and unfortunately I did not get to reference his in this article, but I HIGHLY recommend it!!!! He fills in ALL the gaps and is a phenomenal writer!!!!

Resources from this Article

• Happier Hour Book: How to Beat Distraction, Expand you Time and Focus on What Matters Most by Cassie Holmes

• Cassie Holmes on We Can Do Hard Things Podcast

• Intro/bio (who is Kimberly?) note

• Hate and Division Article

• Hateful Comments Note

• Take a Coffee Article

• Original Values Article

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If you’re interested in my “Why I Left the US and Won’t Ever Return” Series, please check out..

1. Cost of living: Article here

2. Healthcare (or lack thereof) here.

3. Safety—article here.

4. Polarization—too much hate and anger

5. Community

6. Values: : this one! :)

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—If you want to learn another language before you embark (or after) on your new adventure, I highly recommend the platform Preply! It’s what I use to learn Portuguese and it’s also the platform I teach on. Please use my referral code for $17 off your first lesson!

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—I use Safety Wing for my travel medical insurance abroad. You can check them out here.

—For travel hacking I use my Chase Sapphire Preferred credit card. I earn enough points by using the card regularly (with no foreign transaction fees) to get a “free” RT ticket from Europe to the US at least once a year.

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If you’re interested in moving abroad, check out my free Expat on a Budget pub or podcast on Substack

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• Part 1—Want to move abroad? Start here!

• Part 2—Conquer your fears about moving abroad!

• Part 3—12 Minimizing Mistakes Part 1

• Part 4—12 Minimizing Mistakes Part 2

• Part 5—A Personal Case study (re: Minimizing)

• Part 6—Your Move Abroad: The Ultimate Checklist

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—Expat on a Budget AKA Living Abroad on a Budget and My Unknown Adventure by Kimberly Anne

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