You can listen to the author read this article (plus a few ad-libs) here.
A Quick Intro
Hi, I’m Kimberly Anne and thrilled to be writing these articles for you. If you don’t know my background: I relocated alone from San Francisco to Portugal in September 2022, sight unseen and without a built-in support system. Before that, I spent a year traveling solo across the U.S., living in a van. I’m also a published indie author with over thirty fiction novels.
On Substack I have over 20 articles about traveling, living in Portugal, minimizing/minimalism and whatever else strikes my fancy. I post a new article (newsletter) each week. I also have a weekly podcast. You can find “all the things” on the main page here or in the archives or on my website!
Are You Stuck in a Negative Loop?
I ask this because it can often keep us from moving forward and achieving our goals—such as moving to another country, minimizing a little, becoming complete a minimalist and so much more!
We all have things we can complain about and it’s actually human nature to do so. Some people in entire countries or cities are even known for it! And… okay hear me out, because first, I am going to complain about complaining. Then I’ll give you a real life example, tell you why, as a species, we do it. And finally, give you some tools and ways to overcome it.
Take it, leave it, laugh at it, all your choice.
I don’t know if it’s brain chemistry, life experiences, disposition or most likely a combination of the three but I’m a cup half full person. Gasp. An optimist. I am not passing judgement on you if you’re not. Though I do encourage you, for your own mental health, to work on it if you’re a chronic complainer. I provide solutions below.
I do recognize that my current reading: Determined, by Robert M. Sapolsky, which I HIGHLY recommend has me understanding that my past (and brain chemistry) made me the optimist I am. However, I became the complete opposite for six months and I’ll touch on that in a bit.
First you may ask: where is this topic coming from Kimberly? Well two things have prompted it…
Whenever I jump on Substack, and I do that a lot as it’s my social media platform of choice, I often see negative articles. Why people are screwing up travel and tourism, the planet, life… How our species mucks it all up, etc. And while I agree that these issues are all happening, rarely do I read solutions; which are what I find helpful. We can complain about the woes of humanity and life until the we are no longer here to complain, but that won’t change anything. And, from experience, it will keep healthy people from wanting to interact with us.
Right before publishing this article I found another negative piece written about “the realities of moving abroad to XYZ vs. the dream of moving to this particular destination”. The author wrote a long article listing all the negatives of living is the particular dream destination. But they all boiled succinctly down to—life is life wherever you go.
I am not saying people don’t need a reality check at times, or that living abroad is solely a bed of roses. Nothing is a bed of roses, even a bed of roses because…well… they have thorns and will eventually rot and stink.
BUT—looking at this author’s 100+ comments agreeing with her and adding a litany of other complaints I have come to the understanding that complaining sells. Which also means that I’m going to have to accept that I will probably never be popular with the masses.
While complaining sells and appeals to more people than solutions do: I despise it with every fiber of my being. It makes me anxious and gives me that icky feeling in the pit of my stomach. See—I can complain too! Especially about complaining, ha!
I recently reached out to an old friend and her response to “how are you” was a litany of complaints. I remembered the last time I saw her in person and how stunned I was that she was so negative. I hadn’t seen her in two years and had just returned from my first year of living in Portugal. But the two hour conversation was me listening to her complain about inconsequential crap. She was not the least bit interested in my life abroad, which is extremely common, though I didn’t know it at the time.
Solution (whoo whoo):
If I speak to this person in the future, I will refrain from asking her, “how are you?” As Courtney Carver writes in her book Soulful Simplicity, which I highly recommend… there are better questions to ask someone.
Here are a few she recommends:
Who or what made you smile today?
Did you do anything interesting today?
What did you do today that was interesting.
What lit you up today?
What was the best part of your day?
What will you remember about this week?
Positive Even When Suffering—Case Study:
I had a patient once, he died, but that’s not the point of this part of the story. He was infirm, could barely walk, suffered with a tremendous amount of constant pain, couldn’t eat, lived alone and yet he was one of the most positive people I’ve ever known. It’s a rarity but those people do exist and they are a breath of fresh air.
Q: Why Complain? A: Reward!
So why do people complain so much? There are several reasons but the one that spurs us on is the release of dopamine. Dopamine is a feel good molecule but it’s more like the quick hit/quick fix neurotransmitter so you keep wanting and needing more. Complaining causes a dopamine spike. The dopamine spike is the reward which causes people to keep complaining. Dopamine is highly addictive.
A few other negative “things” that release dopamine are:
Watching horrible things happen on the news (to others).
Doing drugs and drinking alcohol.
Gambling.
Overeating (sugar).
Social media usage.
Video game playing.
Shopping which I talk about in my upcoming class.
Complaining is Habit Forming
When we do something over and over, we form a habit. Remember the saying (coined by Donald Hebb in 1949 by the way)—“neurons that fire together, wire together”? This is known as Hebbian Learning (named after Hebb). Complaining strengthens the neural pathways associated with negative thinking which, you guessed it, causes us to keep complaining!
Personal Case Study:
Several years ago I fell into a six month complaining rut. But what’s so weird is that I didn’t even know. I was completely unaware of it. It wasn’t until a woman that I deeply admired but didn’t know well, told me! I also think I was able to hear her because: I looked up to her and respected her. She wasn’t a close friend. She said it kindly.
She said something like, “I don’t know if you’re aware of this but you complain all the time and I don’t think that’s the person you truly are.”
Wow! It was like being hit in the head with a slightly deflated, down pillow! I had to stop, think about what she was saying and become aware of my thoughts, actions and words. And… she was right! I stopped the negative loop then and there. And I’m not saying I’m perfect and I never complain. I definitely complain at times, and I even get negative at times but now I notice it and look for a solution.
Solutions:
Catching yourself doing it is most important thing. It may take time to become aware of it and if you’re not, you can ask someone who sees you regularly to help. But… make sure they’re not going to put you down, scold or reprimand you for it. You need to be told kindly.
Here’s what I suggest:
#1 - Wear a loose hair-band, rubber band or easily moveable bracelet on one wrist.
When you catch yourself having a negative thought, engaging in negative self-talk or dropping into pessimism: move the band from one wrist to the other.
I learned about this technique years ago and have done it with great success but when I tried to research it, all the examples said to “snap” the rubber band. This, to me, is negative reinforcement and I don’t like negative reinforcement. In my experience, positive reinforcement works best but just becoming aware of your thoughts, neutrally can also help.
You can’t change your thoughts or what you say if you’re not aware of it.
If you have a helper, you can simply ask them to say to you: “you’re being negative again” or anything else that you would find helpful. Maybe even something as simple as: “bracelet”.
#2. Repeat the phrase or thought out loud but change it to a positive.
Example: if you’re angry at your significant other and think, “they can’t do anything right”; reframe it to something that’s true and positive like: “they always try and help me with XYZ” “I really appreciate that they take out the trash each week”.
If you’re being hard on yourself, do this with yourself.
Ie: You spilled your coffee and immediately think or say: “I’m such an idiot.” Instead try: “Accidents happen, it’s no big deal. I’m doing great.”
#3. Try Reframing (which is similar to #2).
I love reframing and have been doing it for so long, it’s become my “go to” because… neurons that fire together—thanks for that Hebb!
Reframing is simply looking at something negative with a different perspective. It does remind me of a “cup half full person” because when someone is in a healthy mindset they do tend to reframe naturally. And reframing is something you can absolutely teach/train yourself to do too!
Therapist Amy Morin in this article suggests asking yourself questions in order to change your point of view. Here are two examples she gives:
Is there another way to look at this situation?
What are some other possible reasons this could have happened?
I have trained my mind to seek out the positives and solutions to most (not all, I’m not a robot!) negative situations.
Here are some examples of what I did in relation to what’s going on (for me) right this second.
1. Fact/Complaint: It’s cloudy, overcast and slightly rainy here. We only had about about 2 non-consecutive weeks of sun here all summer and I love the sun. It rained here for 9 months straight this year.
—Reframing: it’s not raining right this minute. There are no strong winds. It’s perfect weather for my doggie to run around and not get overheated.
2. Fact/Complaint: My dog can’t go to daycare for 1 month due to a virus in the daycare and also due to the owner taking a vacation.
—Reframe: I get to spend more quality time with my dog. My dog hopefully won’t get the virus. I’m so happy for the daycare owner because he hasn’t had a vacation in over a year.
3. Fact/Complaint: I’ve had a series of not great days with some physical/health issues and lack of sleep which could push me into negative spiraling. Because of these issues I wasn’t able to work as much as I needed/wanted to.
—Reframing: Today is a great day. I finally got a full night’s sleep. I found solutions to my recent sleeping issue (loud neighbors and body pain). At this moment I’m working and I’m so fortunate that I love the work I do!
I could go on but you get the picture!
Don’t be hard on yourself
This is super important. Your own negative self-talk is self-sabotage but please don’t feel bad about that! It’s totally normal and we have to: become aware of it, reframe and reparent ourselves. You are not wrong or bad because you have a negative thought or emotion. This is what makes you human. Instead, acknowledge your thoughts or emotions. Instead of admonishing yourself, say something like: “oh, there it is because it’s familiar, but I’ve got this, I can turn this around. I love myself.”
Mirror Work
Mirror work, by Louis Hay, is looking into a mirror and saying “I love you”. Some people find that mirror work helps, others find it too difficult. I’m a huge proponent of mirror work when it comes to negative self-talk. Why not try it? It can’t hurt! And with mirror work, it’s definitely “fake it till you make it”! Read more about it here.
This concludes my rant, opinions, observations and most importantly solutions! If I could pull myself out of a six month stint of negative thinking, so can you! You’ve got this and I’m here to support you in any way I can!
Resources:
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Love this SO much!!! My two favorite quotes: "[Complaining] will keep healthy people from wanting to interact with us." - I never thought about that but GREAT point. And this made me laugh: "It was like being hit [in] the head with a slightly deflated, down pillow!"
What a fantastic post. I need to remember this!